Prelude

Monday, May 31, 2010 (Denver) – I leave for Egypt tomorrow, and I’m really not sure what to expect. My brother, of course, lives there with his family, so I hope they can help me navigate life in the Middle East, translate for me and more or less help me survive.

One of the last times I went to stay with my brother and his family, they were living in Princeton, New Jersey, and I had accepted a short internship at Sports Illustrated in New York City during the winter break of my senior year at KU. In other words, I was preparing for a trip that would be just like the movie “The Secret of My Success,” except I didn’t have a rich uncle who owned the company, I would not be masquerading as a vice president while actually being employed in the mailroom, I would not be sleeping with my uncle’s cougar wife, and I was not Michael J. Fox. I was, however, a young and eager kid out of the University of Kansas, so it was pretty much the same story.

Anyway, before I left, my mother gave me the following advice:

1. Do not lose the portfolio I had spent much of the previous two years putting together through endless hours of hard work.
2. Do not be a bother to Darren and Elisabeth, because they both were studying for their upcoming finals.
3. Check the weekend train schedules, because Saturdays were part of the SI workweek and I did not want to miss the train and be late to such a great opportunity.
4. Don’t get robbed in the city.

I followed her advice, although Darren and I did decide to send her an e-mail that in a much lengthier prose basically said:

Dear Mom,

Everything is going pretty well up here, despite a few challenges. He probably won’t tell you this, but I thought you should be aware.

On Friday, Mike was mugged in the city, and the guy took off with his wallet and his portfolio. Then on Saturday, he missed his train because the weekend schedule is different than the weekday schedule. It wasn’t a huge deal for him because I just drove him into the city that day. I’m a little concerned because it took about four hours roundtrip, and I didn’t have much time to study for my final next week, but that’s not a huge deal.

Aside from that, we’re all doing well and really enjoying his visit.

Love,
Darren

PS – Everything I said, other than that we’re enjoying his visit, was just a joke.

We thought it was great fun to write, and I’m sure my mother would have enjoyed it, too, except she couldn’t keep reading after the second paragraph. Apparently, she felt terrible because she had warned me about all of those things and knew I would be too ashamed to admit any of it.

Back to the present, I know my mom always gives me great advice for my upcoming trips, and she has made a few trips to Egypt, so I called her last week and asked her what to expect. She said I should probably take a roll of dimes, because I would have to tip several people between the arrival gate and meeting my brother. I guess she thinks I’m made of money or something.

And then she dropped the best piece of advice a mother could possible give. After I told her my nephews wanted to take me to the Cairo Zoo, where they sometimes allow you to hold the various animals, my mother said the following:

Don’t get your face bitten off by a monkey.

Honestly, I had not even considered that a possibility, but I’m going to do everything within my power to avoid getting my face chewed off by a primate. Perhaps I should tie a string around my finger, so I don’t forget.

I’m looking forward to the zoo visit, despite the potential dangers. Darren told me that to hold the animals – including turtles, small alligators and the aforementioned chimps – we would need to tip each of the zookeepers a couple dollars each. And then Darren described his preparation for zoo visits:

“I get ready for the Cairo zoo much like a lot of guys probably prepare for a strip club,” said Darren, an ordained minister. “I load my pocket full of singles.”

These are things that no amount of schooling could ever teach you. I’m glad I have received such sage advice. Certainly I’m going to need as much as I can get on this journey.